Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Shore House Mornings

-For Ash and Maeve

The low thunder rhythm is infinite,

a stalwart behemoth,

always present in cadence,

beyond the salt-crusted sliding doors.

The water throws gold

under the hard dawn sun,

an outdoor illusion of summer.


Hands pressed against the glass

create fog auras,

halos for fingers,

our ten saints at daybreak.

The brass handle is colder,

and opening the door

creates a house-resounding shudder.


Crisp air wicking off the breakers

engulfs the senses.

Sweatshirt and shorts,

shoeless on the wooden deck,

the dichotomy of warmth.


Below, the waves barrel and break

against the shore and jetties,

while the pale dune grass flitters

at the wind’s will.


The vast expanse dominates the landscape,

mocks the paltry man-made lights

of a distant northern neon peninsula.


The thought of coffee

beckons back in the warm room,

and the rooms beyond,

where both my girls

are asleep under covers

this autumn morning,

softly mumbling,

and I whisper to the witness sea,

my replies to their requests

for anything.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Your Small House in Ruins


Yellow light filtered through the cracked slats of the stable walls. The horses were uneasy, and occasionally dragged their hooves against the ground, kicking up particles of hay that floated in the air. As the day passed, the slivers of light shifted across the barn’s floor, a natural sundial on the lazy Sunday before work would resume. The clinking of horseshoes continued from outside, and two men entered the stable from the side opposite the crowd, their hats in their hands.

The first man was beaten down, his shoulders were slumped, as if he had conceded something of great importance. The second man was younger, but it was clear his years had been hard, and he moved his small eyes around the room, quickly, in search of a very specific goal.

“Why’d you bring me in here?” the second man said, concern in his voice.

The old man raised the stump where his hand should have been, and simply pointed at the large bale of hay that dominated the open area of the stable. The young man began moving towards it, a bit of desperation in his stride.

He found her after the first few steps. He stopped, only for a moment, and then he squatted down in front of her.

Hay had been haphazardly placed over her face, but even so, it was clear to see that her neck was situated at a strange angle. Her white skin stood in stark contrast to the deep red dress she wore, and when he removed the hay from her face, he noticed that her lipstick matched her dress. Her normally tight curls were still in place, save for a few that had been mussed against the haybale.

“I found her a few minutes ago, do you think he did it?” The old man’s voice came out with obvious sadness.

The younger man, the sharp-faced man, didn’t respond other than to shrug his shoulders, as he reached out his hand and held it under her nose.

“She ain’t breathin’,” he began, mostly to himself. He moved his hand to her neck, and felt the unnatural lump of bone, jutting out from the spine, “Her neck’s been bust. He coulda done that.” That was when he saw the puppy, broken like the girl, and discarded to the side; it was also hastily covered with hay. Candy saw it as well. He looked back at the old man, and his face was intentionally unreadable, like he was at a card table. It was a test.

“What’re we gonna do, George?” the old man asked.

“Let me think,” George responded, “just gimme a minute.”

The two men stood still, gauging their options, and then George spoke again, his words chosen carefully.

“What’ll they do to him if they get him?”

The old man looked up from staring at the ground, and his expression was one of fear. “Curley’s gonna want to kill him. Especially after what he done to Curley’s hand.”

George took this as confirmation, “I think you’re right, Candy, I think Curley’s gonna want him dead. You know I can’t let that happen.” He was still testing Candy, to see how far his allegiance lay.

“I know George,” Candy responded, desperately attempting to get George to trust him, “That ain’t no good.”

“Okay, I got a plan, but it ain’t nice. I think it’ll work, but you gotta trust me.”

“Okay George, okay.” The old man was resigned to George like a dog. “Let’s just do it then.”

` George began rooting around the stable until he found a long rope. Candy stood and watched trying to figure what he was up to. George finally found a long snaking piece of hemp line, and threw the bulk of it over one of the stables rafters, while he held on to one end.

Realization began to creep onto Candy’s face.

“The way I figure it,” George began, “this tart has been spending every day of the last month of her life complainin’, and cryin’, and carryin’ on.”

Candy nodded.

“Maybe she came in here, and finally decided to end it. Find me a chair or a stool.”

Candy moved off in search of George’s request.

George took one end of the rope and began to tie the knot, he looped the rope, and threaded the loop through the coils he had created. Candy returned with a milking stool, and George showed him the noose he had made.

“I’m gonna go get her, and bring her to the stool. You just put this around her neck, and I’ll do the rest.”

“Okay, George,” Candy’s voice had gotten smaller.

George went to the body of Curley’s wife, he stood over her before picking her up. “I’m sorry about this,” he whispered, “but we don’t need this to get any worse. I’m not gonna let this happen again. We’re gonna get that old house, and not you or anyone else is gonna stop us.” There was a fierce gleam in his eyes, as the defiant proclamation rang though him, and he picked her up, easily, like she was a leaf. He could smell her perfume, even over the general stink of the stable.

He brought her over to Candy, who put the noose around her neck, and then he placed her on the ground.

“We need to make sure this looks right,” he began, “I’ll start pulling her up, you tell me when her feet would have reached the top of the stool.”

“Okay”

George walked under the beam and grabbed the slack of the rope. He found a place to secure it, and began to raise the body up.

“Hold it George!”

He stopped and watched as Candy began to meticulously pick off the bits of hay that clung to her dress. After a few minutes, he looked back to George and nodded. George knew then that Candy had made his decision.

George smiled.

He pulled her up a few more inches, and her feet came free from the ground as George took on her full weight. He brought her up to the proper height, and Candy flashed him a thumbs up. George tied the rope off on a support beam, keeping the knot simple, and released the rope.

Curley’s wife hung from the rafter in the dying afternoon. She swung in slow, loping circles, and her neck seemed longer than it once had been. The two men stood there, only for a moment, and then continued planning. The horses began to whinny and stamp their hooves in anxiety.

“What’s next, George? What do we do?”

George turned, and picked up the dead puppy from the haybale, kicking and scattering the hay where the woman and dog had been covered. He turned back to Candy.

“We gotta make sure this don’t land on Lennie. Lennie ain’t done this outta meanness. He probably just got confused. We can’t let nobody, ‘specially Curley, know what happened.”

Candy nodded, and George continued.

“I’ll go out to the bunk house, put the dog under Lennie’s bedroll. I’ll wait ‘til one of the guys comes in there, and then I’ll find it in front of one a them.”

Candy turned his head to the side, trying to deduce the meaning.

“When I find it, I’ll start askin’ around about Lennie, and then I’ll tell the guys about this place I told him to go if we got in trouble. When I find him, I’ll make sure he don’t talk to nobody about Curley’s wife; I’ll convince him she kilt herself.”

Curley continued nodding. “We gotta be careful George, we gotta get to that little house,” repeating it softly, as if it was a mantra.

Now George was nodding. “I know Candy, and we will, but we gotta be all over Lennie from here on out. He can’t be nowhere or go nowhere without you or me.” He placed his hand on Candy’s shoulder, “We’re gonna do this, I promise, but we can’t make no more mistakes.”

Candy was reassured, and he smiled, his mind on the little house, and the thick cream, and even the rabbits.

“As far as she’s concerned,” he motioned to the hanging girl, “you go out to the guys after I leave for Lennie, and tell them what you found. The longer you can hold off the better.”

“Okay George, I’ve got it.”

George left the stable, tucking the puppy under his jacket like Lennie had done before. He got to the empty bunkhouse, placed the puppy under Lennie’s bedroll, and sat at the square table at the center of the room. He sighed audibly, and relaxed in the chair, picking up the pack of cards and setting his solitaire lay.

He had placed two aces when Slim entered the bunkhouse.

“Hey there George,” Slim said, walking to his bunk.

“Hey Slim, you seen Lennie?”

“Naw, we been playing horseshoes for the past hour or so.”

George used this opportunity to get up, and walked over to Lennie’s bunk. He moved the top blanket away, revealing the dead puppy.

“Jesus Christ,” he said, allowing a hint of anger into his voice.

“What is it George?” Slim asked.

“Lennie kilt his pup.” He held up the dead puppy, limp in his hand, “I bet I know where he is.”

“Where’s that George?”

“I tol’ him that if he got in trouble, like he done in Weed, that he was to go to a spot a few miles from here, where we camped out the night before we got to the ranch.”

“It’s just a dog George, why would he think he was in trouble?”

“He’s afraid I’ll be sore at him. You’ve seen him with that pup, he’s probably crying in the woods right now, thinking I’ll be cross with him. Dumb bastard.,” George forced a smile at the end of his small tirade.

“Guess you better go get him then,” Slim returned the smile.

“Guess you’re right.” George put on his hat and his jean jacket, and headed out the door of the bunkhouse. “Be back in a bit Slim.”

“Take your time, it’s Sunday.”

George turned and left the bunkhouse, moving past the game of horseshoes, and giving Candy a slight nod as he walked by.

He walked through the ranch gates, and after about a mile, turned into the brush. He descended the slope, felt the crackle of fallen leaves under his feet, and began calling for Lennie. He thought about what had happened. He went over it in his head, checked for mistakes, things he had overlooked. Everything was fixed. As long as Candy and he could stay on Lennie, they’d make it through the month, take their money, and be on their way.

The little house. It had started as a dream, but become a reality so suddenly, so improbably. It was fate, he decided.

He reached the creek and a smile began to break across his face. He saw a small watersnake moving in the water, unsuspecting, toward a solitary wren. The snake’s head moved back and forth, but mistook the wren’s legs for reeds. George watched the wren slowly move its beak to strike, and he clapped loudly, scaring the bird to a sudden, jerky movement, which sent the snake in the opposite direction. The wren took George in, seemingly in annoyance, and beat its wings, taking off down river.

George began to shout again for Lennie, but then he saw him in the distance.

George began jogging over to him, calling out to him in the nicest tone he could manage. “Lennie! Lennie! It’s okay, I’m here, it’s okay.”

Lennie wasn’t moving.

He was on his knees facing the creek. His shoulders were slumped and he was staring of into the distant hills of the Gabilan Mountains.

George stood at his side. “Lennie, hey, Lennie,” George felt that frustration rising within him, but checked it. He had to make Lennie understand about the girl. He had to make him understand about the plan, how it could continue. How there would still be the house and the cream and the rain on the roof and the rabbits, most of all the rabbits.

Lennie’s head began to rise, and he turned to face George. He broke into a grand, slow grin. It took up almost all of his face. “Ain’ you gonna give me Hell?” Lennie asked.

And then George saw the side of Lennie’s head, where the bullet had come through. There was a dark flash of blood all down Lennie’s side, but he kept looking at George with those big, dumb eyes, and George was screaming now, screaming and looking at the gun in his hand, and he dropped the gun, still screaming, and his hand began to shake. A quaking, rocking shudder over took his body, and he saw himself pulling the trigger, pulling it a thousand times and the blood and the shattered bones and brains, and always the shaking hand that never stopped.

***

George pulled his head up from the bar. The month’s old beard on his face holding the drool from his mouth. Slim looked over at him, his brow furrowed.

“Time to go George, I think you’ve had enough.”

George got up from the bar stool, laid his week’s wages on the bar, and let Slim walk him to the door. He looked down at his right hand, and put it in his pocket, hoping the shaking would ever stop, but knowing it wouldn’t.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Working Toward an Ending: An Invocation

for A.F.

Press into me
the thoughts in your eyes,
control my mood
with the tilt of your head,
looking up,
a face below mine,
sweet, tall, and smiling muse.

The love invoked from your arms,
circled around my back,
clasping,
the inverted top of a Cupid’s heart,
is the feeling of stability
and home searched for
in vain, through the darker places,
finding truth in the faux-tiled floor of your kitchen,
knowing that the door
left through
remains open to me
in all climates,

knowing innately,
that you love me,

and that my devotion
is boundless.

Monday, May 17, 2010

What We Want for Our Kids

For George A. Romero in ‘78

In this life-deserted mall, alone even with child,
the men have gone out to kill for the day.
We figured out that blunt trauma to the head works best,
bullet or baseball bat, simply a difference in exertion.

There’s booze in this room, and my shotgun,
but no governing authority to inform me that
both are hazardous to my rounding stomach.

I wait for the men, and hope they
aren’t scratched or bitten,
dragging their feet and forgetting my face.

They’ve offered to kill it too, but I’m still on the fence.

I wonder now whether I’d want the kid
in a world that was still alive,
without the growing horde of walking dead, and should that even matter.

I fear my child will grow to resent the world we provided,
or that it will emerge with lifeless eyes
and a taste for flesh.

Some mornings, as I vomit, and the men are hunting,
I see a survivor, her hair wild and fierce in a new city,
growing in myth, returning the dead to their graves,
a hero of songs, a terrible beauty.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Mother at Cana

For Kim, before the baby; and for Teddy, after.

Start with fingers,
tapping nonsense in patient time
on a swollen stomach,
stretched to blossom and burst.

Move to palms,
carrying their prize
a wine flask that might drop
before the celebration begins,
a gift for those who wait outside,
in anticipation of its sweetness.

Drop your gaze to legs,
cracking with expansion,
preparing for the last steps
of a journey,
miles all earned
in the pains of carrying
children like crosses.

Look at the face,
eyes closed and content,
even in this fracturing,
inevitable departure.

Look at this woman,
remember her face, limbs,
before it began,
before she held an imperfect mirror
to her breast,

before she gave you this gift.

Passion is the word for suffering,
for sacrifice, love.
Amazing and beautiful
that meanings exist, creation,
the demanded burden of giving life,
the start of the story,

the first miracle.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Dead Highways

The first breath tightened my chest, as the crisp October air hit my lungs. Johnny’s pale 1972 Catalina idled in the driveway. I called out goodbye to my parents, and heard them respond from the kitchen, as I clutched the stolen bottle of whiskey inside my jacket a bit closer to my body.

Sitting still as stone watching- watching
People walking by you wondering why
No one ever stops to talk
or thinks about it-if they ever did

The Morningstar is out tonight, and I catch its gleam through the branches and dead leaves of the twisted Maple in my front yard. The backend spits exhaust into the dark, and is lit up white as the car is shifted into reverse. The cab is full, and I open the door to the warmth and beats of the blaring radio, before taking my seat behind the driver.
“What’s up man?”
I’m not sure who the question comes from, our whether it was only one of them, but the second question is more direct, and comes from Marcus.
“You got it?”
“Yup.”
I expose the top of the bottle in my jacket, the amber liquid sloshing in its glass compartment. Smiles light up all around.
“Nice.”
We pull out of the driveway, and turn down the street, towards the woodsy parts of town. A CD is pulled from a black case, and the track comes on. It’s 2002, and we’re listening to Dave so much it’s in our bones; the off-kilter mash of sound pounding into our collective views of the high school experience.
The tracks roll on like the car we are in, and we banter back and forth about the week’s events. The lights on Park Road shift from regular intervals to only the occasional lone post, as the houses become fewer and farther between. My reflection is raised in the window with each passing light, the slight stubble on my chin the only evidence of my impending manhood. I think the girls are meeting us tonight, and the fascination of discovery or a chance to impress awaits.

What if God shuffled by?
One day we might see
Doing not a thing
Breathing just to breathe
We might find some reason
But rushing around seems
What's wrong with the world

The houses are gone now, and everything outside the car is trees and bushes. I see the backpack on the floor of the car at Luke’s feet, he’s wearing his Birkenstocks, a last holdout against the end of the last summer before our Senior year.
“Lemme get that,” I say, pointing to the pack, and he hand’s it to me, the straps stressed from the thirty pack of Red Dog that it holds. There’s light metallic clanging as the cans jostle against each other. I unzip the main compartment and place the bottle of Jack inside, leaving the pack on my lap as we round the final corner.
The monastery looms in front of us; a large white building out of some southwestern school of design, with a red clay roof and black iron crucifixes throughout its stucco walls. All the lights are out, the brothers and sisters retiring after a long day of devotion.
The driveway and parking lot are located on the left, and Johnny looks twice before he kills the lights and pulls in. We draw down the music as well, the large car seemingly boating through the empty lot, making its way toward the tree-covered corner.

Lying on the roof counting
The suns that fill the sky I wonder is
Someone in the heavens
Looking back down on me -I'll never know
So much space to believe

We pull into a spot so the car isn’t visible from the street. All of us are silent now, and we exit the car quietly, taking great care not to alert the sleeping monastery. I shoulder the backpack, feel its weight on my shoulders through my jacket, and we begin walking.
In the woods, a space opens up, lined with woodchips. The walkway cuts into the woods, creating a black hole that we enter, the sounds from our shoes shifting from pavement to path. As we move into the trees, we feel it is safe enough to begin whispering again.
“Which one is it again?” one of us questions.
“Hold on, I’ll know it when I see it,” comes the response.
The path is used by the members of the monastery for reflections, and every few hundred yards, there are benches and a wooden sign. The Stations of the Cross are carved into each piece of wood, as we make our way along His journey.
Our eyes adjust to the light as the ordeal begins, and we trudge along as He is condemned.
“Matt, you sure about this?” someone, probably Marcus, asks in the dark.
The stars push light through the branches, and I watch the blue light cascade across his face as he walks behind me.
“Yup, let’s just hope the girls are as well,” I reply.
We pass a few more stations, and I begin to wonder exactly what it is I’m looking for. They see my concern.
“We didn’t pass it?”
“No, I don’t think so… but we’re close. Be patient.” I try to sound confident, but I’m not convinced it works.

Walking through the wood
No cares in the world
The world SHE'S come to play
She's all mine just for a day
There's not a moment to lose in the game
Don't let the troubles in your head
Steal too much time you'll soon be dead
So play

The Fifth Station. His friends help Him carry the burden. The carving shows Simon straining under the cross, and behind this, a small dirt path leads further into the woods. The path the senior at school told me about. The secret passed on.
“This is it.”
“Nice.”
“Let’s go.”
The path is tighter than the previous one, and the occasional pricker-bush snags our pant legs. We walk in silence for roughly five minutes, doubt again setting into our minds. This place can’t exist… The girls will never find it. At some point, I stop, and Johnny’s weight hits me from behind.
“Dammit!” he says, “What’s the problem?”
“Hold on,” I say.
I thought I heard noises ahead, but it seems to be only the last few birds sticking around before falling asleep; a far cry from the sirens and lights of the town cops.
We walk for another few minutes, and then the air itself seems to lighten. The path explodes into an open world. The light from the stars paints everything blue, and the low moon is finally visible in the distance.
We have arrived at the Dead Highways. For miles, there are two roads running into the distance. A large amount of brush divides what used to be a Jersey barrier meridian. Weeds burst though widening cracks along the paved surface.
We walk out into the opening, amazed at what has been left for us. High fives and smiles are exchanged, and we begin talking again, convinced that the protection afforded by this abandoned place is absolute.
I place the backpack on the concrete, glad to no longer carry the load. I remove the bottle, uncap it, and take the first swig. The bite hits my nostrils immediately, and the burning in my throat descend all the way to my stomach, where the warmth lingers.
We pass it around, the four of us, and wait.
“Let’s hope they make it,” someone, Lou probably, mutters.
“They will.”
All of us are in agreement. They have to get here, it’s so perfect.
The bushes in that divide the two stretches of road rustle, and we turn in unison.
A ragged shape shuffles from the darkness. It gets closer, and we can here the ramblings of his madness.
When he sees us, sees the drink in our hands, his eyes open wide, and his focus is solely on us.
“Hey boys,” his cadence is as inconsistent as his gait, “Whatcha got there?”
“Nothing, man,” Marcus replies, “Be cool.”
“Awww, you ain’t got nothing for me? What I done?”
His beard is mostly white, but every once and a while, patches of black catch the light of the moon, and I can’t tell if he’s been drinking already.
“C’mon man, we don’t want any trouble.”
“Me neither boys, me neither. We could trade sumptin’? Maybe?”
“Whaddyou got for us?” Luke says.
The homeless man looks hurt, “You boys been here before?”
“No,” I say, “First time.”
“Good, good. If you walk that way,” he points south to where the road disappears, “You’ll hit the real highway, ‘cept you’ll be on a bridge above it. It’s a nice spot, cool.”
By his grin we can tell that he is proud of himself for having this knowledge.
“Ok, thanks man,” Johnny says, clearly trying to get rid of him, “here’s a beer, have a good night okay?”
Johnny rummages through the backpack and hands him two Red Dog’s. The homeless guys reaches for them greedily, and shambles back to his bush at a quickened pace.
“Weird,” someone says.
“Yup.”

I find it hard to explain how I got here
I think I can, I think I can
And then again, I will falter
Dream

“So what do you think? Take a walk?”
“Let’s wait for the girls.”
As if on cue, three shapes emerge from the path we took earlier. By the giggling and the tone of voices they are easily identified.
“Over here girls,” Luke calls, beckoning with the bottle in his hand.
There is small talk, and drinking, and the guarded pretense and competition that goes along with almost any social interaction at this time in our lives.
The drinks take hold, courage swells, and I reach out to cup the elbow of the girl who has laughed during our conversation the most.
“Let’s take a walk I whisper,” letting go of her elbow, and motioning with my outstretched hand.
“Okay,” she replies, the hint of a smile noticeable even in her voice.
We break from the group, although I’m sure the lingering curiosity left by the bum’s claim will be enough to bring us all out there eventually.
There is small talk as we move down the road and toward the moon. It is arching higher in the sky, stopping the stars behind its glow from being seen. Other than the road, its cracks and refuse, everything around us is nature. The road stands out like a scar or shame.
At some point in the walk, she takes my hand. The space between our palms a haven of sudden warmth in the cooling air.
I smile and wonder if she is doing the same. It is quiet here; the sounds of our footsteps on the broken blacktop the only noise, the birds having recently fled.
Ahead, the brush and trees break away into the open air. The trees form a V on the horizon and suddenly, there is only the road.
To our left and right, nothing but dark blue air. Our hands break from one another, and we walk to the fence that now lines both sides of the highway. My fingers reach into the rusted rungs, tiny diamonds between myself and the sight below.
We are standing over I-84, and I know exactly where we are. The cars speed by below us, and I suddenly feel exposed. I step back, thinking I will be seen, exposed.
She turns and laughs.
“How many times have you driven by here Matt?”
“Jeez… Hundreds I guess.”
“Exactly, and how many times have you even looked up here.”
“Never.”
She’s right of course. We’re safe here, undetected. Yet we are observing the world. It’s like a secret painting with the eyes removed. We belong to this world, but are not a part of it. It is electric.
She comes to me, hands at my waist, and circles her arms around me. The kiss is sweet, the faint taste of whiskey on my breath and tongue. I place my hand behind her head, the victim of so many films and book covers my only instruction in these matters.
She removes her mouth from mine, smiling, and turns her back to me in my arms. Her body is warm, connecting to mine from foot to shoulder, and we watch the world pass beneath us for a while.

Out of the darkness comes light like a flash
You think you can, you think you can
Sometimes that is the problem
Dream little darling, dream
Spinning on the wind
The leaf fell from the limb
But everyday should be a good day to die
Oh, all fall down
It won't be too long now
Every fire dies

When the rest of the group arrives, their experience is similar, but not the same. Discussions are had regarding various crimes we could commit here, the thrill of being undetected hatching plans in our wild brains.
We walk back, I take her hand, and the group chatters.
The night passes comfortably, and we eventually realize it’s time to go. Johnny rattles his keys, impatient from not drinking his fill.
We trudge, all of us, back to the empty lot at the monastery. I give her a short kiss goodbye, and a promise to call tomorrow.
“C’mon, Romeo.”
“Yup.”
We get into the Catalina and leave the parking lot.
The conversations are fewer now, we are tired and contentedly drunk, and I look out the window, searching for the Morningstar. I find it in the window, reach my finger to where it is, and watch as it follows the car. I wonder about the red lights on the highway, the real one, the cars going off into the distance, and their passengers. The lights are white as they approached, becoming red as they left, finally disappearing from our sight.
I look back to the window; the Morningstar obscured by the trees, and close my eyes until we get home, reveling in my burgeoning secret life.

Oh I think I can, I think I can
Dream little darling dream
Spining on the wind
The leaf fell from the limb

Monday, April 12, 2010

Nightmares in Hugo




While searching for triggers
in an Iowa I’ve only read about,
my gaze finds a painted metal silo
above a ruined field.
A wooden ladder, laden with rot and splinters
is propped against a broken rusted opening near the top.
Barbed rungs catch and rip
the white flesh of soft hands,
but I climb to the hole.
Orange metal flakes break and flutter
to yellow ground as I enter,
and a spiral, cast iron catwalk
drops to blackness.
I descend, hear the sloshing
footsteps, the flailing movements.
A corpse walks and waits for the young
in a three foot puddle of murky
water, sloughed skin.
I dip one toe in cold wetness
dripping blood and tears,
a rotting hand finds my face
and fills my scream with cold fingers,
pulling me under,
with what I own.